Faced with an estimated $408 million budget deficit in the coming school year, the Los Angeles Unified School District Board of Education authorized layoff-warning notices for more than 5,000 employees, including more than 4,000 teachers. (LA Weekly)
As School Board President of the Los Angeles Unified School District, it is my pleasure to inform you of some exciting changes happening in LAUSD.
As you are no doubt aware, a reduction of 4,000 teachers means class sizes will increase dramatically. Unfortunately, the Board’s proposal that remaining teachers construct their own, larger classrooms using tin cans and duct tape was rejected by the Teacher’s Union. :( To counteract this selfish decision, the Board has implemented the following innovative strategies.
On even numbered days, your child will be given a seat inside the classroom. On odd numbered days, your child will have the opportunity to participate in our newly minted “Learnin’s Fun in the Sun!” program (Or “Readin’ in the Rain!” weather depending.) They will enjoy lessons via a loud speaker blasting on to the playground.
While the Board agrees that there is "no such thing as a stupid question,” we find that there is such a thing as too many. Therefore, your child will be allotted 5 questions per academic year. He may address these questions to his teacher via text message. Students who do not have cell phones or are unable to write will be issued safety flares with which to capture the teacher's attention. Parents may wish to equip these students with a pocket fire extinguisher, but that is not mandatory.
Due to massive layoffs, several thrilling substitutions have been made in lieu of actual personnel. Thanks to a generous donation from Texas Instruments, the position of Reading Specialist will be filled by a reconditioned 1978 Speak ‘N Spell electronic toy.
Philanthropist Eli Broad has ensured that Bi-Lingual education will continue by graciously donating 500 Dora the Explorer Kitchen Play sets, complete with plastic food and English/Spanish flashcards ("Vercuras!") We hope Mr. Broad enjoys his healthy tax deduction as much as we enjoy la cocinas!
To compensate for the absence of school nurses and counselors, your child will be provided with the telephone numbers of our nation’s most preeminent physicians - Drs. Oz, Phil, and Pepper. Additionally, school libraries will be staffed by a Red Box vending machine, offering $1.99 book and DVD rentals.
Since custodial positions have been eliminated, the aforementioned selfish classroom teachers (who are lucky to be working at all ) will clean the facility between the hours of 5:00 PM to 11:00 PM three days a week. Parents of children with asthma or allergies may wish to cover their child in a large, Hefty garbage bag (we recommend the XL Cinch SAK) which not only serves as a bacterial shield, but doubles as a no-fuss Halloween costume come October. ("Boo! It's Cinchy, the plastic ghost!")
Parents are also encouraged to maintain an open mind regarding the physical condition of your school. After all, what may look like a rat infested, filthy classroom could actually be a hands-on, interactive biology experiment! ;)
Although we have axed all Arts Programs, don't worry - the Arts will be embedded in other daily activities. Stomping on the cockroaches in the cafeteria? Dance! Shading circles on an answer sheet? Visual Art! Reciting the Pledge of Allegiance? Theater! That rhythmic, grinding beat of the pencil sharpener? Sounds like music to me!!
Yes, Physical Education has been eliminated (along with all equipment) but we do take your child’s health seriously. During (unsupervised) recess, your child can work up a sweat playing "Stackin' Garbage!" or “Pull Dem Weeds!” They may also sign up for the District Wide “Smear the Person with Alternate Sexual Preference” competition, with the two finalists facing off in a Thunder Dome-esque fight to the death. Follow us on Twitter!!!
Thanks to our intrepid Superintendent, every student will be given an i Pad, however, your child will need to provide all other supplies, including but not limited to, books, pencils, paper, crayons, paste, scissors, rulers, erasers, desks, Bunsen burners, soldering irons, white boards, top soil, flushable toilets, and oxygen.
On behalf of the District, I welcome you to our happy family as we look forward to a successful academic year.*
President; LAUSD School Board
* Please note the "Academic Year" will begin September 17th and end December 2nd. Additionally, there will be no school alternating Fridays nor the month of November.