My Bloody Valentine

February 15, 2015

Hungarian Countess Elizabeth Bathory was either victim of a Royal conspiracy or the world's most prolific seriel killer, allegedly bathing in the blood of virgins to maintain her beauty.  What better subject for a Valentine's Day short play?


My Bloody Valentine
(AKA HUNGARY HEARTS)


Hungary. 1609. Inside her castle, aristocrat Elizabeth Bathory, AKA “The Blood Countess” (historically accurate) dines with her paramour, “Ironhead Steve” (historically accurate.) In the background, sexy Barry White music plays (not historically accurate.)


IRONHEAD STEVE
It’s been too long since I’ve seen you, Elizabeth.


ELIZABETH
I’ve been busy.


IRONHEAD STEVE
Binge watching “Scandal” no doubt.


Music STOPS.


ELIZABETH
It’s 1609, Numbnuts. There’s no Netflix. No wonder they call you Ironhead Steve.


IRONHEAD STEVE
(tapping his skull; leering)
They’re not referring to this head.


ELIZABETH
Whatever. I’ve been busy managing my estates, warring against the Turks, and nagging our deadbeat King to repay his kibaszott debt.


IRONHEAD STEVE
But that is man’s work.


ELIZABETH
My husband is dead. It falls to me to protect the Bathory name.


IRONHEAD STEVE
Well, don’t worry your pretty self tonight, dear Countess. It’s a special occasion.


ELIZABETH
It’s Tuesday.


IRONHEAD STEVE
It’s Valentine’s Day!


Steve rings a bell and a visibly terrified ORSOLYA enters, holding
a big, heart shaped candy box.


IRONHEAD STEVE
Sweets for my sweet!


ELIZABETH
How lovely!  Exactly what I wanted!


Elizabeth grabs the candy box, hurls it aside, and clenches Orsolya’s shoulders.


IRONHEAD STEVE
Uh - no, the gift is the candy...


ELIZABETH
Oh. Of course.


Elizabeth reluctantly releases the trembling Orsolya, who FLEES.


IRONHEAD STEVE
I guess you can have - it’s “Orsolya” I believe - sure, if you need a new Lady’s maid -


ELIZABETH
Yes, please. They don’t seem to last very long.


OFF STAGE: A blood curdling scream.


IRONHEAD STEVE
What -?!


ELIZABETH
The wind.


IRONHEAD STEVE
Mmm. You, kincsem, look ravishing. So fair of face -


Elizabeth laughs, waves him away.


ELIZABETH
Oh, go on.


IRONHEAD STEVE
(raising his glass)
To you!


ELIZABETH
No, I meant go on. Fair of face...


IRONHEAD STEVE
Oh - uh - you’re hot. And eternally youthful. What is your secret?


OFF STAGE: Another blood curdling scream.


ELIZABETH
(re: scream) Water in the pipes. My secret? Good genes I suppose. And frequent baths.


OFF STAGE: SEVERAL blood curdling screams. Steve looks alarmed.

ELIZABETH
Cats.


Awkward pause.


IRONHEAD STEVE
Cats.


OFF STAGE: More SCREAMS.


ELIZABETH
Damn strays.


IRONHEAD STEVE
Kincsem, I have heard rumors...


ELIZABETH
Oh?


IRONHEAD STEVE
They’re ridiculous, of course. Some nonsense about you, uh,torturing -


ELIZABETH
Ach!


IRONHEAD STEVE
-and killing young maidens, then you’re said to bathe -


ELIZABETH
-in their blood. Yes, yes, stupid, ignorant peasants. They’re like children, inventing silly stories.


IRONHEAD STEVE
As I thought, rubbish. Whoops!


Steve spills the wine. Elizabeth points to an armoire.

ELIZABETH
In left drawer, you’ll find linens for cleaning.


Steve opens the right drawer, pulling out a bloody nightgown.


ELIZABETH
Your other left.

 

Steve finds a towel and begins to clean. Orsolya timidly knocks,
then enters.


ORSOLYA
Bocsánat, Countess. I am to tell you that the new Iron Maiden has arrived.


IRONHEAD STEVE
Pfft - they haven’t had a decent album since Powerslave.


ELIZABETH
Köszönöm, Orsolya. Perhaps, later, you and I can try it out.


Orsolya gasps, cringing.


IRONHEAD STEVE
Seventh Son sucked.


ELIZABETH
Won’t that be fun?


Orsolya falls to her knees, begging for her life.


ORSOLYA
Ó, kérlek, grófno. Kérjük, kímélje az életem!


IRONHEAD STEVE
What’s she on about?

 

ELIZABETH
You Tube. Some amusing cat video.


ORSOLYA
Kérjük, könyörgöm!


ELIZABETH
Apparently it rides a Roomba.


Elizabeth YANKS Orsolya to her feet, then circles around her.
 

Kelj fel!! Hmmmm.... you are a plump little lamb, aren’t
you? Yes, you’ll nicely fill my tub.


IRONHEAD STEVE
Tub?


ELIZABETH
Staff. Whatever. Orsolya, I will see YOU later. Eltávozik!


Orsolya exits, wailing.


IRONHEAD STEVE
Maybe you don’t want her as a Lady’s Maid, she seems rather
unhinged.


ELIZABETH
I’m sure I’ll find some use for her.


IRONHEAD STEVE
Yes, perhaps the kitchen or on the grounds - Oh! I meant to ask, since you are revamping your landscaping -


ELIZABETH
I am?


IRONHEAD STEVE
Well, I assumed - there’s so much freshly dug earth ...


ELIZABETH
Oh. That. I’m adding a hot tub.

 

IRONHEAD STEVE
Several, it would appear.


ELIZABETH
Yes. So we can have swinger parties. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?


IRONHEAD STEVE
I like you. Why don’t you slip into something more... comfortable?


ELIZABETH
Of course.


Steve relaxes in his chair,drinking wine.


IRONHEAD STEVE
Maybe the rose neglige from Vienna?


Behind his back, Elizabeth opens the french doors of the armoire.
Out tumble body parts - hands,feet, etc.

 

IRONHEAD STEVE
Yes, it flatters you so. Or that leather bra thingie, that’s hot.


Elizabeth stuffs as much as she can underneath the armoire.


IRONHEAD STEVE
The one with the fringe and nipple clamps.


Elizabeth still holds a hand/forearm which will not fit under the armoire. She whips it behind her back.


ELIZABETH
KNOCK! KNOCK!

IRONHEAD STEVE
Who’s there?

 

ELIZABETH
No, someone’s at the door - answer it!


Steve crosses to the door. Elizabeth desperately looks for a
place to stash the forearm, finally shoving it under the table.


IRONHEAD STEVE
Really? It sounded like - Hello? Orsolya? Anyone? There’s nobody’s there.


ELIZABETH
Oh! Well. My mistake.


They sit at the table.


IRONHEAD STEVE
You haven’t changed.


ELIZABETH
Bah - I'm getting crows feet -


IRONHEAD STEVE
Huh? I meant your - (gesturing to her dress.)

 

ELIZABETH
Let’s finish our wine first.


They drink. OFF STAGE: another scream. Elizabeth laughs, shakes
her head like “Go Figure!” Steve laughs too, then shifts in his seat
.

 

IRONHEAD STEVE
What’s that - why you little minx!

ELIZABETH
Sorry?


IRONHEAD STEVE
(suggestively)
A proper Lady keeps her hands to herself, but I won’t tell if you won’t.


ELIZABETH
What are - Oh. Szar!


She LEAPS out of her chair.


GET UP!!


Startled, Steve does.
Kiss me!


IRONHEAD STEVE
All right!

 

While kissing, she leads him from the table.


ELIZABETH
We were speaking of rumors, yes? Well, I’ve heard a few myself. About you and a certain Dutch Countess.


IRONHEAD STEVE
Nonsense.


ELIZABETH
They say you two are quite close.


IRONHEAD STEVE
You are the only Countess for me.


ELIZABETH
Hmm. An alliance between you and her noble family would be advantageous for you -


IRONHEAD STEVE
Poppycock!

 

ELIZABETH
Both financially and politically -

 

IRONHEAD STEVE
Rubbish!

 

ELIZABETH
But it would be disastrous for me.

 

IRONHEAD STEVE
I am your faithful servant.


ELIZABETH
It would greatly undermine my power.


IRONHEAD STEVE
Countess, I swear. I am yours. You have my heart.


ELIZABETH
Do I? I wonder...

 

Elizabeth STABS Steve in the chest. He collapses. She pounces on his body, sawing feverishly, then stands, triumphantly holding his bloody heart.


I guess I do!!


She tosses the heart aside.


Uhg. (rings bell) Servants! Gyere gyorsan! Clean up this mess! (rings again) ORSOLYA! Felkészül, Lucky Ducky! It’s BATH TIME!

 

 

 

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