My New Neighbors

September 5, 2015

 

INT. NEIGHBOR’S MCMANSION - SUNSET


HIM and HER, late 50s, both very white and very Republican, share a bottle of Dom Perignon in the sparkling gourmet kitchen of their brand new, 5,000 square foot, triple decker McMansion.


It’s magic hour.  The sun's golden light streams through over sized windows, warming the Viking stove and granite topped counters with its caress.  HIM sighs contentedly.

 

HIM
Well.  After fourteen months, looks like construction’s nearly done.


HER
You’ve done it.  You’ve designed our dream home.

 
HIM
Mmm -it’s not easy to create something sterile and generic that still manages to be an eyesore.


HER
But you did!  You’re so talented. You’ve built the Donald Trump of houses.


HIM
Obnoxious, ugly, and a complete waste of space.


They toast.


HER
Cheers!  (giggling) Remember when we told the neighbors we were just doing a “minor remodel?”


HIM
And we said it’d only take six months!


Laughing, they embrace.


HIM
I can’t wait to move in and hook up my stereo - see how loud I can crank that baby up.


HER
Yeah, me too - it’s just...


HIM
What? What’s wrong?   Don’t tell me the electricians were quiet today!


HER
Oh, no, they had that jack hammer running non stop from six AM till early eve.


HIM
Good. I don’t pay them to work quietly.  Or efficiently.  Those goofs, sometimes they jack hammer the same bit of cement over and over, just for fun.


HER
YOLO.


HIM
So why the frown, Princess?


HER
It’s just - with construction almost over, it means the end of dirt everywhere, the end of trucks hogging all available parking, the end of six to eight random men hanging out in the driveway each day.


HIM
True...


HER
(choking up)  And it’ll be quiet again!  


HIM
Jesus, you’re right!  What was I thinking?!  We’ve clocked in a solid four hundred and thirty days of mess, noise and major inconvenience - we can’t stop now!


HER
Exactly!  Why not add another wing?


HIM
Good idea!  We’ll build riiiight up to the property line.


HER
Maybe even slightly over the property line?  I mean, what’re they gonna do  - move?!


HIM
They couldn’t afford to!  Not if they want to stay in this neighborhood!  


HER
That’ll teach ‘em to pursue the liberal arts.


HIM
HA! HA! I hate poor people!


HER
Ugh - the worst, right?!  


HIM
While we’re at it, I’m gonna build another story.   I don’t think we’ve blocked their sunlight one hundred percent.


HER
And let’s put in a swimming pool!  Right outside her office window.


HIM
That’s the window where the crew hangs out, smoking and burping?  


HER
Yup!  And be sure to hire those two guys that fight all day -


HIM
Pedro and Jesus?


HER
No, it’s too easy for her to tune out a foreign language - hire the two that scream back and forth in English when she’s trying to write.


HIM
Oh! Donny and Chris - Drama Queens, both of ‘em.


HER
Donny’s a sweetie.  Today, when I parked, he noticed she could probably still pull her car out, so I nudged the Beemer up a bit, y’know, not quite blocking the drive but -


HIM
Just enough - yeah -


HER
And when she came over to ask me to move it, I hid in the Money Room!


HIM
Ha! Good One!  


HER
If she ever confronts me, I’ll say I didn’t hear her over the radio.


HIM
Donny does play those Top 40 tunes loud!


HER
He likes the DJs - they’re SO incredibly funny! I mean - with those crazy sound effects?!


HIM
Yeah! That “fart” guy?!


HER
Genius!


HIM
Speaking of genius, great call on the Port O’Potty.


HER
Installing it as far from us and as close to them as possible?


HIM
You’re the best.


HER
No, YOU are.  You’ve pioneered a new form of residential design!


HIM
“Drug dealer meets Dentist Office.”  That’s my aesthetic.


HER
When we do move in, let’s run an AirBnB out of the garage.


HIM
And adopt thirty dogs!


A kitchen timer DINGS.


HER
It’s time!


HIM
Yep, that time when she’s making a last, desperate attempt to write something - anything - before declaring the day a complete bust.


HER
Shall we?


HIM
Of course.


They lovingly set down their glasses and each grab a gleaming copper pot from the ceiling rack.


HIM
And a one, and a two and a -

 

BOTH

THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

They BASH the pots on the kitchen counters over and over and OVER again while SCREAMING at the top of their lungs.

 

BOTH

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

After a bit, they stop.  HIM peers out the window.


HER
Can you see her?


HIM
Yeah, she’s still in her office.


HER
Working?


HIM
Ehhh -  her head’s down... I think she’s crying.


They HIGH FIVE, then resume BASHING the pots again and again while SCREAMING.

HER

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

 

HIM

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGG!!

 

HER
I LOVE OUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK

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