Tales of Terror for Today's Woman - Pt. 1

October 24, 2015

In honor of Halloween, this month's post is a truly frightening one.  Much like the Golden Rule of Comedy, it'll come in "threes."               

 

 

Lights UP.  We are anywhere.  We are nowhere.  BOYFRIEND sits, scrolling on his smart phone. MARY rushes in, stopping to give him a quick peck on the cheek.  

 

MARY
Hi, Honey - sorry I’m late. I’ll get dinner started, hamburgers - okay?


BOYFRIEND
I have herpes.
BLACK OUT.

Lights UP.  Dress Shop.  MARY browses through the clothing rack.


CLERK
May I help you?


MARY
Yes, I’m looking for something - I don’t know - sexy? I’ve got a blind date.

 


The Clerk indicates what Mary’s wearing.


CLERK
Well that's definitely not working!


MARY
Uh - this is mine, I wore it here.


CLERK
Oh. Well.  What size?


MARY
Six.

The Clerk eyes her skeptically.


MARY

Um - seven? Eight?  A seven or an eight.


CLERK
What about this?  Try it on. This way.


The Clerk ushers Mary behind a screen and waits outside.


CLERK
How’re we doing in there?


MARY
Uh, it’s a little snug.


The Clerk tosses another garment behind the screen.


CLERK
Try a ten.   Well?


MARY
It’s still too small!


The Clerk rapidly hurls dresses behind the screen.


CLERK
Here’s a twelve!


MARY
Too small!


CLERK
Fourteen!


MARY
Too Small!


CLERK
Sixteen!


MARY
It’s still too small!


CLERK
Misses!


MARY
I can’t believe this!


CLERK
Extra Large!


MARY
Too SMALL!


CLERK
Thirty Nine X!


MARY
OH MY GOD IT’S TOO SMALL!  What is going on?!  I’m getting larger by the minute! How did this HAPPEN?!


CLERK
Sugar in your coffee, an after dinner mint, the little bites of everyone else’s dessert - it adds up, but you were TOO BUSY to notice!


MARY
OH NO!


CLERK
Try a size 100!


MARY
Size 100?!


CLERK
Put It On!


MARY
NO!


CLERK
I WANT TO SEE!


MARY
I can't!


CLERK
C’mon now, it’s only me... and all your EX BOYFRIENDS who are happily married and procreating LIKE MAD!!


MARY
NOOOOOOO!!!!


BLACK OUT.

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