Tales of Terror for Today's Woman - Pt. 3

November 1, 2015

 

Mary is in her OB/GYN's office.  The DOCTOR stands, showing her an X-ray.   


DOCTOR
You see, this is an X Ray of a normal uterus. And this, Mary,  is yours.


MARY
It’s huge!


DOCTOR
Yes. Your uterus is severely enlarged.  That’s that clock you hear ticking.


MARY
I don't hear a -


DOCTOR
It’s not your fault.  It’s biological. Your uterus is barren, empty - begging to be filled.


MARY
Okay, well, I plan to have children.


DOCTOR
But you haven’t!  You must heed the Call of Nature.


MARY
I will someday -


DOCTOR
Someday?!  Look here, Woman! You’ve run out of time. That uterus of yours must be filled - or it will explode!


MARY
Explode?!


DOCTOR
Ka-POW!


MARY
Is that really a thing?  I’ve never heard that - I didn’t know!  


DOCTOR
Because the Government doesn’t want you to.


MARY
But, I’m not even dating.


DOCTOR
There are options.


MARY
Like sperm banks?  Donor eggs?


DOCTOR
Mmmm - I’m thinking outside the box.


MARY
Invitro?


DOCTOR
Nooo - I’m thinking candy.


MARY
I - what?


DOCTOR
Candy.  Sugary confections, usually bite sized.


MARY
Yes, but what does candy have to do with -


DOCTOR
Instead of a candy dish, many women opt to store their sweets in their -


MARY
Are you on crack?!


DOCTOR
Of course not.  I only take safe drugs. Like OxyContin.  If you don’t like candy, there is another, more proactive approach.  It’s really quite brilliant.


MARY
Okaaay -


DOCTOR
Toxic waste.


MARY
Excuse me?!


DOCTOR
The government has run out of dumping sites and with that uterus of yours, you could store a ton!


MARY
You’re insane!


DOCTOR
They pay a sizeable rental fee.


MARY
I am NOT storing toxic waste in my body!


DOCTOR
Well, you must use that uterus for something, otherwise, why were you put on this earth?


MARY
Are you saying women are only good for -


DOCTOR
Plus you are willfully endangering your health!  As your physician, I have a duty to protect your well being.  And as a man, I have a duty to dictate what you do with your reproductive organs.


MARY
That is such bull-


DOCTOR
As such, I’ve taken the liberty of signing you up for another option.


MARY
You signed up me?


DOCTOR
Yup!  This one’s win/win - it enables both of us to ‘give back’ if you will.


MARY
Surrogacy?


DOCTOR
In a way, yes, it is a form of housing.  You see, Mary, we medical professionals have inked a deal with the penitentiary system. To alleviate prison overcrowding.


MARY
I don’t unders-


DOCTOR
For the next five to ten years, your uterus will house two drunk drivers, a bank robber and a drug dealing Neo Nazi!


OFF STAGE VOICE
SIG HEIL!


MARY
HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FREAKING MIND?!


DOCTOR
No need to thank me, Sugar tits - just doing my job.


Mary attempts to run but the Doctor pins her down.

 

DOCTOR (cont)

Recess is over, boys!  Back to your cells!


MARY
NOOOOO!


BLACK OUT.  Lights up. Mary is surprised by her Mother.


MARY
Oh! Mom?  Mom!  But - you’re dead -what are you -


MOTHER
I TOLD YOU SO.


BLACK OUT.


Lights UP. Mary’s pet DOG sits, chewing rawhide. MARY rushes in, stopping to give Dog a quick peck on the cheek.  


MARY
Hi, Boo Boo - sorry I’m late. I’ll get dinner started, hamburgers - okay?


DOG
(barking) RUFF RUFF RUFF


MARY
(in disbelief) Herpes?!

BLACK OUT. END OF PLAY

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