What Not To Say

March 25, 2016

 

SARAH and BONNIE enter El Torito's back room.  It is dispiriting in that  chain restaurant way.  It's also very dim.


SARAH
What is this, a dungeon?  Why can’t we sit at one of those tables?  The ones in the light.


BONNIE
The host said they’re reserved.


SARAH
Bull shit.  He saw a couple middle aged women out to get skank drunk and hid us in the back.


BONNIE
I'm not getting skank drunk.  I've never been skank drunk in my life.


SARAH
Jesus - I can’t read the Martini menu.


BONNIE
Use your cell phone.


They use the feeble lights from their cells to read the menu.  


SARAH
It's cause we're women, they think “shitty tippers” and throw us in the cellar.


BONNIE
I always tip 15 percent.


SARAH
See?  It’s twenty percent.  Twenty five if you’re gay.


BONNIE
I’ve heard Bill Murray is an excellent tipper but I don't think he’s gay.


SARAH
So.  I’ve got news.


BONNIE
You’re pregnant! Oh My God! Congratulations! I knew it!


SARAH
No!  We’re adopting.


BONNIE
You’re adopting!  Oh My God! Congratulations!  I knew it!


SARAH
You thought I was pregnant?  I’m ordering a martini.


BONNIE
I though maybe to celebrate.


SARAH
I’m not pregnant.

   
BONNIE
You know the minute you adopt, you’ll get knocked up.


SARAH
Nothing is official yet, but we met a birth mom in Kansas who’s interested.


BONNIE
Thank God the baby is American.  I’ve read about couples who adopt from Romania - or  Russia? Some “R” country where they stand in line for bread - anyway, the children all have attachment disorder and grow up to be psychopaths and kill their parents.  The adoptive parents, not their real ones. 


SARAH
That’s not -


BONNIE
It’s not a drug baby, is it?


SARAH
No.


BONNIE
Who's the birth mother?  Is she a prostitute?


SARAH
No!  


BONNIE
What kind of women could give her child away?  


SARAH
One who doesn’t want children but is Capital “C” Christian, so -  


BONNIE
Money. I bet she wants money. Or maybe she’s really young and is pressured -


SARAH
She’s in her early 30s. 


BONNIE
Thirties?  I'd think twice about that - the risk of Downs is muuuuch higher. What if the baby is retarded? Or handicapped?  Or it has to live in a bubble or is born without a stomach? What if the Mom changes her mind? That can happen, you know, sometimes even years after-


SARAH
Can’t you just be happy for me?


BONNIE
What do you mean? Of course I’m happy for you - I’m thrilled.


SARAH
Thank you.

BONNIE
I just want to make sure you’ve thought this through.  What if you don’t bond with the child?  I think of my Kourtney and the moment she was born - that mother/child bond is - it’s just so profound, I can't imagine feeling the same about a child that isn’t really mine.  


SARAH
Are you trying to be a bitch?


BONNIE
No!  I’m happy for you.  Really. 

SARAH
Uh huh.


BONNIE
Honestly!  In fact, I’m ordering champagne!  To celebrate.


SARAH
You don’t have to -


BONNIE
I want to.  I support you!


SARAH
Well, I’ll drink to that.


BONNIE
Cheers!  
(beat)
But, um,  you should ask if the Mom drinks.   F.A.S. babies are a lifetime of misery.

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