Hi, Roomie!

Stacie is thirteen (or an adult dressed as such.) She's in her dorm room, meeting her college roommate for the first time. Her roommate is definitely not thirteen.

STACIE

Hi Roomie! We finally meet! It's me! Yes! Your college roommate! No, silly, not my sister! Me!! I’m thirteen. Yes! I was in this totally accelerated school program and graduated way early! It's me, ME! Oh, wow, I LOVE our room! Oooh - bunk beds! Dibs on top! I'll hang my Edward poster on the ceiling so he'll be the first thing I see every morning when I wake up! He is SO CUTE! Don’t you wish you could date a vampire for reals?! They’re soooo romantic and totes sexy, yeah? I also have posters of Justin Beiber and Yo Yo Ma! Hey – cool photo. You were a cheerleader? Wow! Cheerleaders don't usually go to college. Usually they end up fat and working at Kmart. Your parents must be totally psyched! What's your major? Communications? Really? Here? Why didn't you apply to State? The communications department here is a joke. I came 'cause of the Biochem lab - it's the best! - and you are totally welcomed to use my chemistry set, just don't mess with the Phenophaline 'cause you know what can happen!! Duh!! And you can totally borrow any of my stuffed animals, hair clips, glitter tattoos and rock polisher. Look how it shined up this agate! Who's this? Your boyfriend? Oh wow! He's really cute! Lucky! I used to have a boyfriend. Sort of. I had to keep it a secret from my Mom because he was in the dumb class. We were in marching band together till I dropped out 'cause I got braces and my flute kept bouncing against them and cut my lip so I switched to the viola. I can play you a fugue if you want. Oh. Ok. What time's your first class? Not till ten? Oh wow, I've got Ornithology at six! Mergatroid! I'll try to be quiet. Whoa - be careful with that jar, I need those larva alive for my honors project. How many credits are you taking this semester? Really? That's all? Do you have to work or something? If you need cash, I can hook you up with Dr. Barrick in Psychology. I’m his teaching assistant. He's always hiring students to get shocked by electrodes and stuff. What? You're taking Barrick's Intro-Psych class? No way! That means I'll be your TA!! That’s so totally cool! I mean, I can't give you the test answers or anything but don't worry 'cause I took the class three years ago and it's really cinchy and besides I can always give you extra credit! Wow - so many pictures! You have like a million friends. I used to have a lot of friends - well, maybe not a lot, but some, but that was before I started skipping all these grades and ... No biggie - just, y'know, everyone always says "We'll be Friends Forever!" and then what happens? They get busy or they get a boyfriend or they plaster all over Facebook how you're a "pathetically uncool loser" and anyone lame enough to hang out with you is a "total Philadelphian." She probably meant Philistine but... it didn't matter. Everyone got the gist. (beat) Yikes! I better hurry up and unpack - I've got competitive chess at five. Hey - if you're still here at Christmas, maybe we can do secret Santa? No, I didn't mean you'd flunk out! Although 12% of freshman do their first semester. I meant if you're still here here. If you're still my Roomie! I hope you are but you wouldn't exactly be the first one to ditch me, y'know? The last one, she said it was 'cause of her asthma but come on, I got perfect SATs. I'm not stupid. So you totally don't have to talk to me in public if you don't want to but maybe we can hang out here sometimes? And, like, give each other makeovers? Or order a pizza from Domino's 'cause the delivery guy is REALLY cute and we'll choose nicknames from the Iliad and Oh, Roomie! I really, really think I'm going to LOVE it here, right? And we are going to be friends, right? And college is going to be SO MUCH FUN!!! Right?