Declaration of Independence


Therapist's office.

New Age-y

(Think bullshit quotes on water color posters, gamelon music, probably a little fountain.)

PATIENT

And I realized it's not my job to fix him, so I told him it's over.

THERAPIST

How did that make you feel?

PATIENT

Pretty good. I mean, there's always -

THERAPIST

Aaaaand we're out of time. I think you've made great progress this week. We'll pick it up again next Thursday, yes?

PATIENT

Actually, this is my last session, remember?

THERAPIST

Hmm. I think we should discuss that.

PATIENT

We already did.

THERAPIST

It would be beneficial to have closure.

PATIENT

No, see, that's what today was supposed to be. I told you four weeks ago that I was ready to quit therapy and you suggested we meet to explore my reasons for leaving. So we did and then I said "Goodbye" and you said we should meet to debrief how it felt saying "Goodbye," and during that session, when I said it felt pretty damn good, you said we should meet again to address the fact that I was in "denial" and THAT kept me up all night and the next morning, when I called you to say that was ridiculous, you said we should meet in person to discuss why I felt the need to call rather than have a face to face and so here I am, in your face, and I'm telling you I'm Not. Coming. Back. Okay?

THERAPIST

Perhaps we should meditate -

PATIENT

Nope, no more meditation. No more journaling. No more talking to an empty chair that's supposed to be my Father, who, I could never really see by the way, so you should know I was faking that whole thing. I'm done with Visualization. I am done with Affirmations. I am done with chakras and chimes and crystals and I am SO done with Deepak Chopra, you wouldn't even believe! If I never smell another joss stick or essential oil I will die happy. I mean, I came here to work on some typical, first world problems so how in the Hell did we get to chakras and crystals?!

THERAPIST

You seem angry.

PATIENT

I am!

THERAPIST

We should process your anger -

PATIENT

No, No, NO! Look - in the future, if I need help, I will seek it. I will join a support group or read the Bible or watch Dr. Phil or do like my parents do and pretend there is no problem in hopes that it will magically disappear, but I can guarantee you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I will NOT BE BACK.

Okay?

Okay?!

Oh My God - are you crying?!

THERAPIST

(crying) No.

PATIENT

You are!

THERAPIST

You hurt my feelings.

PATIENT

I - I didn't mean to.

Look - I'm sorry.

Please stop crying.

Do you want to talk about it?

THERAPIST

It may help. But only if you want to talk about it.

PATIENT

Ok. Sure.

Therapist immediately stops crying & grabs an appointment book.

THERAPIST

Great!! How about next Thursday at three o'clock?

BLACK OUT

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