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Employee Break room - North Pole


Break time. Man, I’m dying for a cocoa – Boss is drivin’ me crazy. “Ho! Ho! Ho!” my ass. Old man’s been ridin’ me all day, “Faster! Faster!” What am I - some Jap robot?! Quality toys take time. Now I gotta quick, turn out crap or Management's gonna fire me. Prob'ly replace me with some cheap ass dwarf from South a' da border. Freakin' hate dwarves!

Yeah, sorry, I forgot you had a thing with Twinkles. She's cool, but dwarves in general? Christmas! Boss only hires ‘em ‘cause they work for peanuts. Little freaks love them legumes.

This used to be a chill gig, right? Now - Christmas! Workshop's all establishment, man. Friggen’ mission statements and budget reports - you talk to Hermey? Says Lardo's gonna eighty six the reindeer and use gnomes. Gnomes! Crack whores of the fairy kingdom! Betcha they got that sleigh stripped for parts before Fat Ass slides down his first chimney.

I’m tellin’ ya, we gotta unionize – without a union, we’re sunk, man. Ain’t no job security. You hear they laid off Snowflake?! Snowflake worked in Logistics for twenty seven years, man, and they replace him with a GPS. Where’s the freakin' loyalty?!

I shoulda left when I had the chance – y’know, Disney was beggin' me to come on board and Kellogg - they offered me Snap, Crackle or Pop - but did I bounce? No. Biiiig mistake. I hear Keebler’s lookin’ – sure, you gotta live in that bull shit tree but they got full medical, pension... plus all da cookies you can eat.

(Alarm bell)

Already?! Christmas! Hey, after work, me and some of da guys from Maintenance are goin’ to Rudolph’s. Hoist a few nogs - you in? Maybe even get lucky - them hot l'il reindeers Cupid and Vixen are comin'. We play our cards right, might just score us some tail.

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