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My New Neighbors


HIM and HER, late 50s, both very white and very Republican, share a bottle of Dom Perignon in the sparkling gourmet kitchen of their brand new, 5,000 square foot, triple decker McMansion.

It’s magic hour. The sun's golden light streams through over sized windows, warming the Viking stove and granite topped counters with its caress. HIM sighs contentedly.

HIM Well. After fourteen months, looks like construction’s nearly done.

HER You’ve done it. You’ve designed our dream home.

HIM Mmm -it’s not easy to create something sterile and generic that still manages to be an eyesore.

HER But you did! You’re so talented. You’ve built the Donald Trump of houses.

HIM Obnoxious, ugly, and a complete waste of space.

They toast.

HER Cheers! (giggling) Remember when we told the neighbors we were just doing a “minor remodel?”

HIM And we said it’d only take six months!

Laughing, they embrace.

HIM I can’t wait to move in and hook up my stereo - see how loud I can crank that baby up.

HER Yeah, me too - it’s just...

HIM What? What’s wrong? Don’t tell me the electricians were quiet today!

HER Oh, no, they had that jack hammer running non stop from six AM till early eve.

HIM Good. I don’t pay them to work quietly. Or efficiently. Those goofs, sometimes they jack hammer the same bit of cement over and over, just for fun.


HIM So why the frown, Princess?

HER It’s just - with construction almost over, it means the end of dirt everywhere, the end of trucks hogging all available parking, the end of six to eight random men hanging out in the driveway each day.

HIM True...

HER (choking up) And it’ll be quiet again!

HIM Jesus, you’re right! What was I thinking?! We’ve clocked in a solid four hundred and thirty days of mess, noise and major inconvenience - we can’t stop now!

HER Exactly! Why not add another wing?

HIM Good idea! We’ll build riiiight up to the property line.

HER Maybe even slightly over the property line? I mean, what’re they gonna do - move?!

HIM They couldn’t afford to! Not if they want to stay in this neighborhood!

HER That’ll teach ‘em to pursue the liberal arts.

HIM HA! HA! I hate poor people!

HER Ugh - the worst, right?!

HIM While we’re at it, I’m gonna build another story. I don’t think we’ve blocked their sunlight one hundred percent.

HER And let’s put in a swimming pool! Right outside her office window.

HIM That’s the window where the crew hangs out, smoking and burping?

HER Yup! And be sure to hire those two guys that fight all day -

HIM Pedro and Jesus?

HER No, it’s too easy for her to tune out a foreign language - hire the two that scream back and forth in English when she’s trying to write.

HIM Oh! Donny and Chris - Drama Queens, both of ‘em.

HER Donny’s a sweetie. Today, when I parked, he noticed she could probably still pull her car out, so I nudged the Beemer up a bit, y’know, not quite blocking the drive but -

HIM Just enough - yeah -

HER And when she came over to ask me to move it, I hid in the Money Room!

HIM Ha! Good One!

HER If she ever confronts me, I’ll say I didn’t hear her over the radio.

HIM Donny does play those Top 40 tunes loud!

HER He likes the DJs - they’re SO incredibly funny! I mean - with those crazy sound effects?!

HIM Yeah! That “fart” guy?!

HER Genius!

HIM Speaking of genius, great call on the Port O’Potty.

HER Installing it as far from us and as close to them as possible?

HIM You’re the best.

HER No, YOU are. You’ve pioneered a new form of residential design!

HIM “Drug dealer meets Dentist Office.” That’s my aesthetic.

HER When we do move in, let’s run an AirBnB out of the garage.

HIM And adopt thirty dogs!

A kitchen timer DINGS.

HER It’s time!

HIM Yep, that time when she’s making a last, desperate attempt to write something - anything - before declaring the day a complete bust.

HER Shall we?

HIM Of course.

They lovingly set down their glasses and each grab a gleaming copper pot from the ceiling rack.

HIM And a one, and a two and a -


THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! They BASH the pots on the kitchen counters over and over and OVER again while SCREAMING at the top of their lungs.


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! After a bit, they stop. HIM peers out the window.

HER Can you see her?

HIM Yeah, she’s still in her office.

HER Working?

HIM Ehhh - her head’s down... I think she’s crying.

They HIGH FIVE, then resume BASHING the pots again and again while SCREAMING. HER





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