Tales of Terror for Today's Woman - Pt. 1

In honor of Halloween, this month's post is a truly frightening one. Much like the Golden Rule of Comedy, it'll come in "threes."

Lights UP. We are anywhere. We are nowhere. BOYFRIEND sits, scrolling on his smart phone. MARY rushes in, stopping to give him a quick peck on the cheek.

MARY Hi, Honey - sorry I’m late. I’ll get dinner started, hamburgers - okay?

BOYFRIEND I have herpes. BLACK OUT. Lights UP. Dress Shop. MARY browses through the clothing rack.

CLERK May I help you?

MARY Yes, I’m looking for something - I don’t know - sexy? I’ve got a blind date.

The Clerk indicates what Mary’s wearing.

CLERK Well that's definitely not working!

MARY Uh - this is mine, I wore it here.

CLERK Oh. Well. What size?

MARY Six. The Clerk eyes her skeptically.

MARY

Um - seven? Eight? A seven or an eight.

CLERK What about this? Try it on. This way.

The Clerk ushers Mary behind a screen and waits outside.

CLERK How’re we doing in there?

MARY Uh, it’s a little snug.

The Clerk tosses another garment behind the screen.

CLERK Try a ten. Well?

MARY It’s still too small!

The Clerk rapidly hurls dresses behind the screen.

CLERK Here’s a twelve!

MARY Too small!

CLERK Fourteen!

MARY Too Small!

CLERK Sixteen!

MARY It’s still too small!

CLERK Misses!

MARY I can’t believe this!

CLERK Extra Large!

MARY Too SMALL!

CLERK Thirty Nine X!

MARY OH MY GOD IT’S TOO SMALL! What is going on?! I’m getting larger by the minute! How did this HAPPEN?!

CLERK Sugar in your coffee, an after dinner mint, the little bites of everyone else’s dessert - it adds up, but you were TOO BUSY to notice!

MARY OH NO!

CLERK Try a size 100!

MARY Size 100?!

CLERK Put It On!

MARY NO!

CLERK I WANT TO SEE!

MARY I can't!

CLERK C’mon now, it’s only me... and all your EX BOYFRIENDS who are happily married and procreating LIKE MAD!!

MARY NOOOOOOO!!!!

BLACK OUT.