Tales of Terror for Today's Woman - Pt. 3


Mary is in her OB/GYN's office. The DOCTOR stands, showing her an X-ray.

DOCTOR You see, this is an X Ray of a normal uterus. And this, Mary, is yours.

MARY It’s huge!

DOCTOR Yes. Your uterus is severely enlarged. That’s that clock you hear ticking.

MARY I don't hear a -

DOCTOR It’s not your fault. It’s biological. Your uterus is barren, empty - begging to be filled.

MARY Okay, well, I plan to have children.

DOCTOR But you haven’t! You must heed the Call of Nature.

MARY I will someday -

DOCTOR Someday?! Look here, Woman! You’ve run out of time. That uterus of yours must be filled - or it will explode!

MARY Explode?!

DOCTOR Ka-POW!

MARY Is that really a thing? I’ve never heard that - I didn’t know!

DOCTOR Because the Government doesn’t want you to.

MARY But, I’m not even dating.

DOCTOR There are options.

MARY Like sperm banks? Donor eggs?

DOCTOR Mmmm - I’m thinking outside the box.

MARY Invitro?

DOCTOR Nooo - I’m thinking candy.

MARY I - what?

DOCTOR Candy. Sugary confections, usually bite sized.

MARY Yes, but what does candy have to do with -

DOCTOR Instead of a candy dish, many women opt to store their sweets in their -

MARY Are you on crack?!

DOCTOR Of course not. I only take safe drugs. Like OxyContin. If you don’t like candy, there is another, more proactive approach. It’s really quite brilliant.

MARY Okaaay -

DOCTOR Toxic waste.

MARY Excuse me?!

DOCTOR The government has run out of dumping sites and with that uterus of yours, you could store a ton!

MARY You’re insane!

DOCTOR They pay a sizeable rental fee.

MARY I am NOT storing toxic waste in my body!

DOCTOR Well, you must use that uterus for something, otherwise, why were you put on this earth?

MARY Are you saying women are only good for -

DOCTOR Plus you are willfully endangering your health! As your physician, I have a duty to protect your well being. And as a man, I have a duty to dictate what you do with your reproductive organs.

MARY That is such bull-

DOCTOR As such, I’ve taken the liberty of signing you up for another option.

MARY You signed up me?

DOCTOR Yup! This one’s win/win - it enables both of us to ‘give back’ if you will.

MARY Surrogacy?

DOCTOR In a way, yes, it is a form of housing. You see, Mary, we medical professionals have inked a deal with the penitentiary system. To alleviate prison overcrowding.

MARY I don’t unders-

DOCTOR For the next five to ten years, your uterus will house two drunk drivers, a bank robber and a drug dealing Neo Nazi!

OFF STAGE VOICE SIG HEIL!

MARY HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FREAKING MIND?!

DOCTOR No need to thank me, Sugar tits - just doing my job.

Mary attempts to run but the Doctor pins her down.

DOCTOR (cont)

Recess is over, boys! Back to your cells!

MARY NOOOOO!

BLACK OUT. Lights up. Mary is surprised by her Mother.

MARY Oh! Mom? Mom! But - you’re dead -what are you -

MOTHER I TOLD YOU SO.

BLACK OUT.

Lights UP. Mary’s pet DOG sits, chewing rawhide. MARY rushes in, stopping to give Dog a quick peck on the cheek.

MARY Hi, Boo Boo - sorry I’m late. I’ll get dinner started, hamburgers - okay?

DOG (barking) RUFF RUFF RUFF

MARY (in disbelief) Herpes?! BLACK OUT. END OF PLAY

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