What Not To Say


SARAH and BONNIE enter El Torito's back room. It is dispiriting in that chain restaurant way. It's also very dim.

SARAH What is this, a dungeon? Why can’t we sit at one of those tables? The ones in the light.

BONNIE The host said they’re reserved.

SARAH Bull shit. He saw a couple middle aged women out to get skank drunk and hid us in the back.

BONNIE I'm not getting skank drunk. I've never been skank drunk in my life.

SARAH Jesus - I can’t read the Martini menu.

BONNIE Use your cell phone.

They use the feeble lights from their cells to read the menu.

SARAH It's cause we're women, they think “shitty tippers” and throw us in the cellar.

BONNIE I always tip 15 percent.

SARAH See? It’s twenty percent. Twenty five if you’re gay.

BONNIE I’ve heard Bill Murray is an excellent tipper but I don't think he’s gay.

SARAH So. I’ve got news.

BONNIE You’re pregnant! Oh My God! Congratulations! I knew it!

SARAH No! We’re adopting.

BONNIE You’re adopting! Oh My God! Congratulations! I knew it!

SARAH You thought I was pregnant? I’m ordering a martini.

BONNIE I though maybe to celebrate.

SARAH I’m not pregnant.

BONNIE You know the minute you adopt, you’ll get knocked up.

SARAH Nothing is official yet, but we met a birth mom in Kansas who’s interested.

BONNIE Thank God the baby is American. I’ve read about couples who adopt from Romania - or Russia? Some “R” country where they stand in line for bread - anyway, the children all have attachment disorder and grow up to be psychopaths and kill their parents. The adoptive parents, not their real ones.

SARAH That’s not -

BONNIE It’s not a drug baby, is it?

SARAH No.

BONNIE Who's the birth mother? Is she a prostitute?

SARAH No!

BONNIE What kind of women could give her child away?

SARAH One who doesn’t want children but is Capital “C” Christian, so -

BONNIE Money. I bet she wants money. Or maybe she’s really young and is pressured -

SARAH She’s in her early 30s.

BONNIE Thirties? I'd think twice about that - the risk of Downs is muuuuch higher. What if the baby is retarded? Or handicapped? Or it has to live in a bubble or is born without a stomach? What if the Mom changes her mind? That can happen, you know, sometimes even years after-

SARAH Can’t you just be happy for me?

BONNIE What do you mean? Of course I’m happy for you - I’m thrilled.

SARAH Thank you. BONNIE I just want to make sure you’ve thought this through. What if you don’t bond with the child? I think of my Kourtney and the moment she was born - that mother/child bond is - it’s just so profound, I can't imagine feeling the same about a child that isn’t really mine.

SARAH Are you trying to be a bitch?

BONNIE No! I’m happy for you. Really. SARAH Uh huh.

BONNIE Honestly! In fact, I’m ordering champagne! To celebrate.

SARAH You don’t have to -

BONNIE I want to. I support you!

SARAH Well, I’ll drink to that.

BONNIE Cheers! (beat) But, um, you should ask if the Mom drinks. F.A.S. babies are a lifetime of misery.

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