My Bloody Valentine

Hungarian Countess Elizabeth Bathory was either victim of a Royal conspiracy or the world's most prolific seriel killer, allegedly bathing in the blood of virgins to maintain her beauty. What better subject for a Valentine's Day short play?

My Bloody Valentine (AKA HUNGARY HEARTS)

Hungary. 1609. Inside her castle, aristocrat Elizabeth Bathory, AKA “The Blood Countess” (historically accurate) dines with her paramour, “Ironhead Steve” (historically accurate.) In the background, sexy Barry White music plays (not historically accurate.)

IRONHEAD STEVE It’s been too long since I’ve seen you, Elizabeth.

ELIZABETH I’ve been busy.

IRONHEAD STEVE Binge watching “Scandal” no doubt.

Music STOPS.

ELIZABETH It’s 1609, Numbnuts. There’s no Netflix. No wonder they call you Ironhead Steve.

IRONHEAD STEVE (tapping his skull; leering) They’re not referring to this head.

ELIZABETH Whatever. I’ve been busy managing my estates, warring against the Turks, and nagging our deadbeat King to repay his kibaszott debt.

IRONHEAD STEVE But that is man’s work.

ELIZABETH My husband is dead. It falls to me to protect the Bathory name.

IRONHEAD STEVE Well, don’t worry your pretty self tonight, dear Countess. It’s a special occasion.

ELIZABETH It’s Tuesday.

IRONHEAD STEVE It’s Valentine’s Day!

Steve rings a bell and a visibly terrified ORSOLYA enters, holding a big, heart shaped candy box.

IRONHEAD STEVE Sweets for my sweet!

ELIZABETH How lovely! Exactly what I wanted!

Elizabeth grabs the candy box, hurls it aside, and clenches Orsolya’s shoulders.

IRONHEAD STEVE Uh - no, the gift is the candy...

ELIZABETH Oh. Of course.

Elizabeth reluctantly releases the trembling Orsolya, who FLEES.

IRONHEAD STEVE I guess you can have - it’s “Orsolya” I believe - sure, if you need a new Lady’s maid -

ELIZABETH Yes, please. They don’t seem to last very long.

OFF STAGE: A blood curdling scream.

IRONHEAD STEVE What -?!

ELIZABETH The wind.

IRONHEAD STEVE Mmm. You, kincsem, look ravishing. So fair of face -

Elizabeth laughs, waves him away.

ELIZABETH Oh, go on.

IRONHEAD STEVE (raising his glass) To you!

ELIZABETH No, I meant go on. Fair of face...

IRONHEAD STEVE Oh - uh - you’re hot. And eternally youthful. What is your secret?

OFF STAGE: Another blood curdling scream.

ELIZABETH (re: scream) Water in the pipes. My secret? Good genes I suppose. And frequent baths.

OFF STAGE: SEVERAL blood curdling screams. Steve looks alarmed. ELIZABETH Cats.

Awkward pause.

IRONHEAD STEVE Cats.

OFF STAGE: More SCREAMS.

ELIZABETH Damn strays.

IRONHEAD STEVE Kincsem, I have heard rumors...

ELIZABETH Oh?

IRONHEAD STEVE They’re ridiculous, of course. Some nonsense about you, uh,torturing -

ELIZABETH Ach!

IRONHEAD STEVE -and killing young maidens, then you’re said to bathe -

ELIZABETH -in their blood. Yes, yes, stupid, ignorant peasants. They’re like children, inventing silly stories.

IRONHEAD STEVE As I thought, rubbish. Whoops!

Steve spills the wine. Elizabeth points to an armoire. ELIZABETH In left drawer, you’ll find linens for cleaning.

Steve opens the right drawer, pulling out a bloody nightgown.

ELIZABETH Your other left.

Steve finds a towel and begins to clean. Orsolya timidly knocks, then enters.

ORSOLYA Bocsánat, Countess. I am to tell you that the new Iron Maiden has arrived.

IRONHEAD STEVE Pfft - they haven’t had a decent album since Powerslave.

ELIZABETH Köszönöm, Orsolya. Perhaps, later, you and I can try it out.

Orsolya gasps, cringing.

IRONHEAD STEVE Seventh Son sucked.

ELIZABETH Won’t that be fun?

Orsolya falls to her knees, begging for her life.

ORSOLYA Ó, kérlek, grófno. Kérjük, kímélje az életem!

IRONHEAD STEVE What’s she on about?

ELIZABETH You Tube. Some amusing cat video.

ORSOLYA Kérjük, könyörgöm!

ELIZABETH Apparently it rides a Roomba.

Elizabeth YANKS Orsolya to her feet, then circles around her.

Kelj fel!! Hmmmm.... you are a plump little lamb, aren’t you? Yes, you’ll nicely fill my tub.

IRONHEAD STEVE Tub?

ELIZABETH Staff. Whatever. Orsolya, I will see YOU later. Eltávozik!

Orsolya exits, wailing.

IRONHEAD STEVE Maybe you don’t want her as a Lady’s Maid, she seems rather unhinged.

ELIZABETH I’m sure I’ll find some use for her.

IRONHEAD STEVE Yes, perhaps the kitchen or on the grounds - Oh! I meant to ask, since you are revamping your landscaping -

ELIZABETH I am?

IRONHEAD STEVE Well, I assumed - there’s so much freshly dug earth ...

ELIZABETH Oh. That. I’m adding a hot tub.

IRONHEAD STEVE Several, it would appear.

ELIZABETH Yes. So we can have swinger parties. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?

IRONHEAD STEVE I like you. Why don’t you slip into something more... comfortable?

ELIZABETH Of course.

Steve relaxes in his chair,drinking wine.

IRONHEAD STEVE Maybe the rose neglige from Vienna?

Behind his back, Elizabeth opens the french doors of the armoire. Out tumble body parts - hands,feet, etc.

IRONHEAD STEVE Yes, it flatters you so. Or that leather bra thingie, that’s hot.

Elizabeth stuffs as much as she can underneath the armoire.

IRONHEAD STEVE The one with the fringe and nipple clamps.

Elizabeth still holds a hand/forearm which will not fit under the armoire. She whips it behind her back.

ELIZABETH KNOCK! KNOCK! IRONHEAD STEVE Who’s there?

ELIZABETH No, someone’s at the door - answer it!

Steve crosses to the door. Elizabeth desperately looks for a place to stash the forearm, finally shoving it under the table.

IRONHEAD STEVE Really? It sounded like - Hello? Orsolya? Anyone? There’s nobody’s there.

ELIZABETH Oh! Well. My mistake.

They sit at the table.

IRONHEAD STEVE You haven’t changed.

ELIZABETH Bah - I'm getting crows feet -

IRONHEAD STEVE Huh? I meant your - (gesturing to her dress.)

ELIZABETH Let’s finish our wine first.

They drink. OFF STAGE: another scream. Elizabeth laughs, shakes her head like “Go Figure!” Steve laughs too, then shifts in his seat.

IRONHEAD STEVE What’s that - why you little minx! ELIZABETH Sorry?

IRONHEAD STEVE (suggestively) A proper Lady keeps her hands to herself, but I won’t tell if you won’t.

ELIZABETH What are - Oh. Szar!

She LEAPS out of her chair.

GET UP!!

Startled, Steve does. Kiss me!

IRONHEAD STEVE All right!

While kissing, she leads him from the table.

ELIZABETH We were speaking of rumors, yes? Well, I’ve heard a few myself. About you and a certain Dutch Countess.

IRONHEAD STEVE Nonsense.

ELIZABETH They say you two are quite close.

IRONHEAD STEVE You are the only Countess for me.

ELIZABETH Hmm. An alliance between you and her noble family would be advantageous for you -

IRONHEAD STEVE Poppycock!

ELIZABETH Both financially and politically -

IRONHEAD STEVE Rubbish!

ELIZABETH But it would be disastrous for me.

IRONHEAD STEVE I am your faithful servant.

ELIZABETH It would greatly undermine my power.

IRONHEAD STEVE Countess, I swear. I am yours. You have my heart.

ELIZABETH Do I? I wonder...

Elizabeth STABS Steve in the chest. He collapses. She pounces on his body, sawing feverishly, then stands, triumphantly holding his bloody heart.

I guess I do!!

She tosses the heart aside.

Uhg. (rings bell) Servants! Gyere gyorsan! Clean up this mess! (rings again) ORSOLYA! Felkészül, Lucky Ducky! It’s BATH TIME!